"It is sometimes difficult to understand me, having in me this strong duality. I can be gentle but also very wild, and from a sensual woman I suddenly become a little child. I want men to see me, but as soon as they do all that I feel is this fear. It’s because I am struggling to say NO to men, and always feel that I should give myself to them. YES from my body but NO from my heart, it’s like guilt I want to satisfy my need but I am also rejecting it, knowing it can be very good but in my heart it can also be so painful. YES from my heart but NO from my body it’s my fear, because I am scared of being rejected for opening my crying heart and showing that I am a bit fucked up.
Liquid but solid, fluid but rigid, soft but hard, I am like the water but also like the ground. Full of contradictions, no need to choose one side, they all melt together to become one. To become mine, because this is who I am.
I am pure but yet feel dirty so I am putting sand and mud on me rubbing my skin, trying to remove this weird feeling. From the outside, It can look even dirtier but from the inside I just feel so much cleaner. Purifying my soul from all those crazy thoughts, from all those contradictions and questions. What is good ? what is wrong ? Can I truly cede to my desire ? Can I surrender to the juiciness of my waters ? Why do I feel guilty for my sensuality ? Why pleasure and shame are often mixed ? Yes I feel very confused, and despite everything, this precious act can sometimes rekindle this wound.
Liquid but solid, fluid but rigid, soft but hard, I am like the water but also like the ground. Full of contradictions, no need to choose one side, they all melt together to become one. To become mine, because this is who I am.
I thought I was mad, like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, but it’s just my body that remembers this situation that shouldn’t have happened. This strange sensation of undergoing without being able to say anything, making things complicated making my head like it is burning, because of all those dualities. Excited but disgusted, welcoming but hesitant, uplifting but distant, provocative but resistant. Yes all of those make things very confusing. But I am not the only one with those conflicting thoughts, cause all the women have their story on their own. From one creepy intention to a dirty hand, From one disgusting vibe to the worst of acts, All of this is enough to have a real impact. and yet too many women minimize, just because there is always worst compared to what they have lived, thinking they shouldn’t really complain and don’t have the right to cry… However from our ancestors to our sisters, far too many women have suffered, and are struggling now to open up their sex and heart.
Liquid but solid, fluid but rigid, soft but hard, I am like the water but also like the ground. Full of contradictions, no need to choose one side, they all melt together to become one. To become mine, because this is who I am.
Attraction but rejection, relaxation but contraction, desire but guilt, love but fear, excitement but resentment, acceptance but resistance, surrender but under pressure, pleasure but anger, delight but horror, YES but NO, all those paradoxes are within me going from one to another in sometimes a couple of seconds. I understand why it is difficult for me to open up to a man struggling to understand my feelings and who I am. Those dualities made me feel like I was crazy, but how can I truly welcome someone, if I don’t even welcome those parts of me ? I am the way I am and there’s nothing wrong with that, and it's time for me to accept all those parts. No need to fight constantly or choose a side. Just let me be in my duality.
I just wanted to dance with those two opposite elements, Just needed to be heard, to feel supported by Water and Earth, so in this safe space, I can truly let go and melt."